I will never be thin

March 9, 2012

in Personal

Why do I care? Why do I mind what I look like? Why do I want to look better than I do?

I have discovered that that is a very difficult question to answer. 

I do want to give a message that I’m not beige.

I’d like to add a message that I am restrained, a delicate,  non greedy eater. Umm – why do I want to present a lie to the world?!

I want to be healthy. But I also love playing the delinquent with Charles, indulging the forbidden together…. I love that most, but we try to restrain each other too, in the interest of being healthy. So we are healthyish, but not thin.

To wear great clothes? Well, I do love clothes – at least partly for their fabrics, colours, the sheer sensual, aesthetic pleasure of them. And it is horrible when I try something gorgeous on and then looking makes my heart sink.

I do like Charles to like how I look and he does tell me (both the yes and the no). He enjoys clothes too (including his own) and I love that.

I like my friends to like how I look too – caring about what I wear for them is a way of telling them I care about them. And that I think they are discriminating enough to like well chosen clothes. And to share and talk about them together.

But I expect them to shut up about my being too fat. And they do, being friends.

I notice that my reaction to seeing friends is pleasure and recognition, a quick, inevitable check as to whether they are OK, and then a look at what they’re wearing. If it’s good, it will pleasure me all evening.

It doesn’t distress me if they look a little fat. Far from it. From which I would have to deduce that to please your friends, gain a little weight?

But sure as hell I don’t do it for that reason. Why not?

A rug copyright Anne Wareham

 

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